guided by a new era

So right now I should be writing a short story that is due on Wednesday, but I'm in the realm of Writing a Feminism-Related Post right now. Screw you, short story.

This is going to be (kind of) related to 16 Days, but before someone gets their briefs in a wad and starts whining about how what I'm about to type has nothing to do with VAW (violence against women), I'll slap on a disclaimer: I am not saying the following behavior is the sole reason that VAW is so rampant. I am not saying that boys who are raised like this will grow up to be wife beaters. I am not saying that the following behavior is a spring board for a slippery-slope of violence. This is one example of a society-wide problem.

Ahem.

I talked about this problem a couple of times, though I've never really incorporated the "big picture" or anything like that. The issue is that my parents (and many others) like to excuse my little brother from punishment/chastisement with the sound bite "he's just being a(n) [insert age here]-year-old boy."

They never used that excuse for me. If you want to attack my long-term memory, let me also say that my parents have confirmed this when I brought it up in the past. Last night, when my dad did it right before we ate dinner, I reminded him of this. He did what I've been waiting for them to do for years: Say, point-blank, that that stupid excuse is completely gender-based and has nothing to do with age.

Here are some examples of when they use this "excuse": When he runs around the house acting like he's shooting a lot of people; when he makes lots of loud, obnoxious noises; when he does not comply with requests to stop whatever annoying thing his is doing; when he uses physical force against someone or something (that isn't necessarily harmful, just aggravating)...the list goes on. I didn't do most of those things when I was his age, and if I did, he is much more extreme than I was. (For the record, he turned ten a week ago. He's going to start middle school when I start college.)

My parents aren't alone in their batshit insanity. Lots of their friends, and the parents of my brother's friends, say the same thing. It's perfectly okay for him to do these things, because he's a boy, but if I were to do those things at his age, my parents would have reprimanded me, because I'm not a boy. He can be mildly violent, loud, obnoxious and aggressive, since he's a boy and "that's what boys do", but if I were to do the same at that age they'd scold me or punish me, because "that's what boys [not girls] do".

He can misbehave, because it's only natural for boys to be mischievous, but I wouldn't have been able to because I'm not a boy. It starts to sound like the early 20th century quip "boys will be boys", which is what my great-grandfather told my grandmother when he told her she couldn't climb trees, she's a girl, but it's perfectly okay for his sons to climb trees. My mom told me this story, with a tone of absolute incredulity. Yet, she will regurgitate "he's being a ten-year-old boy" whenever I complain about my brother doing rather violent or disturbing things (like glorifying war or playing with toy guns because it's "fun to shoot them").

How does this tie into VAW? Not directly. It's just an example from my life of one of many of society's norms: That boys are born to be violent, rule-breaking, loud, dominating scoundrels, so it's okay if they do violent, rule-breaking, loud, dominating things. Having male brain chemistry is enough of an excuse for him to do things that a girl of the same age would be reprimanded for.

This is a much-used excuse of rape and domestic violence apologists--men are naturally violent people, and that slut/bitch just got herself into that situation. Ergo, men/boys aren't at fault when they do violent or harmful things, so we shouldn't be punishing them for something that wasn't their fault. It lifts all the blame off of the one who is really at fault--the perpetrator--and chucks it onto the victim. This practice is known as "blaming the victim". What usually happens is that the victim of the situation, almost always a woman, is cast as stupid/conniving/bitchy/slutty/some other gendered, negative trait. The perpetrator is a manly man who was just being manly in his thuggish ways and that whore should have seen it coming.

(To repeat my disclaimer: I don't think my brother will end up this way. I don't think using bullshit excuses like the ones my parents use will directly lead to a tendency of domestic violence. I do think that the attitude behind the excuses is one that contributes to the overall idea that men can't help it when they do harmful, violent or bad things, and therefore shouldn't be punished, whereas women are always responsible for whatever happens to them, regardless of how much they actually did to bring about the situation they are in.)

And the thing with the excuses is: I wouldn't have as much of a problem about them if they were solely about age. I would understand that, and agree with it. I don't expect a ten-year-old of any gender to know what I know about how to act around and toward other people. But since gender plays such a large role into it--and, on top of that, they use what is really a (stupid) explanation as an excuse to not discipline him--I have major problems with it. I don't expect my parents to follow the parenting advice of sixteen-year-old, but I do expect them to recognize what is sexist and what is not, and to not incorporate sexism into how they raise their son. It's bad enough that they've never taught him about LGBT or how to be anti-racist or anti-sexist/a feminist. Now they don't think it's a big deal if they perpetuate archaic ideas about behavior and fault based on gender. They don't mind naming a man who thinks that a woman's place is in the home as my godfather. They don't try to teach my brother that the way his guy friends insult and mock all things feminine is not cool, and is not right (because there is nothing wrong with being feminine or liking feminine things, regardless of gender). And my parents aren't alone. My personal experience, from meeting and talking to many of his friends' parents, is that a lack of those things is the norm.

The way we raise kids has a huge impact on their whole life, and misogyny and prejudice are no exception. Society is wired a certain way, with certain ideas, that create a lot of problems. People believe those ideas--that boys aren't in complete control of their actions, that being feminine is a bad thing, that thinking that women should be limited in what they do with their life is perfectly okay and "just another opinion"--and they often go unchallenged. These kinds of ideas end up hurting women (and men), because people take the idea and use it as an excuse--no, "I can't help it if I want to be violent" is NOT an explanation--to harm them, whether physically, verbally or psychologically. I've already detailed the "blame the victim" mentality. There's also the pay gap and employment discrimination. There's violence against men who aren't manly enough for others (and the stereotype that gay men are effeminate sissies is a large root of homophobia and anti-gay violence).

These are just a few problems. Ideas may seem harmless, but when perpetuated and unchallenged for decades (or even centuries), they become a norm. Even when, clearly, they're hurting people and they don't make sense. No, ridiculing effeminate things will not turn a boy into a homo-killer. No, condoning the idea that women shouldn't join the workforce will not cause a boy to pay his female workers significantly less if he's ever in charge of that kind of thing. But the ideas aren't abstract things completely unconnected to society--they make an impact. And it's not a good one.

(Via Feministe.)

Today, November 25th, is the start of the 16 Days of Action Against Gender Violence campaign, which ends on December 10th, International Human Rights Day. Today is International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women. Other big dates that are between November 25th and December 10th:

• November 29th: International Women Human Rights Defenders Day
  
• December 1st: World AIDS Day
  
• December 2nd: International Day for the Abolition of Slavery
  
• December 3rd: International Day of Disabled Persons
  
• December 5th: International Volunteer Day for Social and Economic Development
  
• December 6th: 18th Anniversary of the Montreal Massacre
  
• December 7th: International Civil Aviation Day
  
• December 9th: International Anti-Corruption Day
  

I'll try to blog about general women's issues, as well as VAW, but seeing as how I haven't even finished my LGBT posts from frickin' October I don't know my when anti-VAW posts will actually be posted. Expect them anywhere from tomorrow through January. There are some great resources on the website linked above, including suggested actions you can take to get involved. I know most of the people on my f-list care about women's rights, so please do something, even if it's nothing more than making a post detailing how you got into women's rights. Besides, I want to see what you all have to say. :)